Saturday, January 26, 2008

5 perspectives (or) 'Trippin in da land of Scots

Imagine, floating in space, nothing in front of you for miles but the stars making pinpoints of light in the vast blackness of space. You blink and then realise that a small crescent of the twinkling night is eaten away by a semicircle of pure blackness. Cue the crescendo of orchestral music, as you realise that the blackness is actually a ginormous disk resting on the back of a giant space turtle.

As the turtle does a lazy roll in space, the upper side of the disk suddenly becomes visible, and is completely different from the underside. For one thing it has its own miniature sun and moon, both revolving merrily around the disk. As the disk moves closer, your perspective zooms in, so what was a mass of greens, blues and browns resolve themselves into oceans and continents. Closer still and we see a small island, unique in that all around it the sun is shining brilliantly, while on it, there seems to be a blanket of dark clouds, looking so impenetrable that they give the appearance of being there for millennia, and having no intention of going away in a hurry.

As you pass through the clouds, a network of roads on the island becomes visible, and you happen to notice one particular car hurtling northwards in fits and swerves, as though the driver and the navigator are arguing on the correct way to hold the steering wheel, and are almost coming to blows about it. This car interests you strangely, and you allow yourself to fall towards it. It's quite serene floating through the atmosphere, till you realise you can't stop and hit the roof of the car with a 'Thump!''

Perspective 1 Kuruvilla :
Wha!' says I, as I awake to the weirdest scene. In the front, Kumar and Gupta have their hands at each other's throats, while the steering wheel drifts slowly to and fro. At the back on either side of me, Joky and George are covering near the door huddled with their heads tucked below their arms. 'Did I ever have the weirdest dream' said I. 'Was it about the national tai-kwon-do championships?' replied Joky as he turned towards me revealing a bloody nose, 'Coz you were flailing your arms around like Jackie Chan on hallucogenics!’ And thus Day 1 dawns, with us sitting in bitter silence as the rain pours down like a Labrador’s tears.

[Gorgeous Greens]

Day 1 – 22’nd Dec

Okay so I exaggerate. dere was no dream sequence, no bloody nose, and dere absolutely no giant Space turtles. Or at least dat's what da CIA want you to think. hehehehe. We stopped off at a pit stop near da lake district for a quick breakfast, after which Joky gave up the wheel to Manish while Dheeraj took on the navigator's role. As we entered into Scotland, miraculously da sky began to clear to become the most brilliant blue. We soon entered A701 which was a marvelously scenic strip of road. I cradled my baby; my D40x in my lap and crooned to it a lullaby of all the pix we would take together.

[The Road Ahead]

Perspective 2 Kumar :
’Dudeee!’ I exclaimed as I was on the road with the steering wheel gripped firmly, ‘this is cool.’ I could just about make out the road blurring past though the drug haze, but the car almost steered itself and the wheels lifted off the asphalt and we flew into the rainbow.

[Stone Wall]

[Sheepish Love]

We were just driving past this meadow, when I fell in love. The most beautiful creatures dotted the hills, white and fluffy, as though god had broken off pieces of clouds and scattered them on earth. Well I had to see these beautiful creatures up close, so we pulled up and walked to the meadow. As I raced to embrace the sheep, to my dismay they turned as one and trotted quickly away. What ever could the Scots have done to sheep to make them so wary of humans? I wonder….

Perspective 3 : George
As we passed sign after sign marked Edinburgh, I could only come to one conclusion - We were heading to Edinburgh! I knew we were supposed to head to Wales, but I much preffered Scotland, so decided to keep mum. I sniggered quietly to myself, and resolved not to look too smug when they finally discovered we were headed completely in the wrong direction!

Perspective 4: Joky

As the only sane member of the party, I tried to keep my wits about me. We soon entered Edinburgh, and thanks to my sterling and flawless backseat navigation, we were soon hopelessly and utterly lost. We had to stop and ask an assortment of people for directions, including this couple of lovely Scottish lassies with come-hither smiles.

[Heathered hills]

Unfortunately, my friends did not let me get very chummy with them and drove away just as I was use my infallible pick-up line (if you want me to share it, send me a cheque for £50). The next people we approached were this elderly couple; the lady tried her best, but her husband took one look at the map we had and exclaimed, ‘That’s made in England. It’s rubbish!’ Anyway after a scenic tour round the city and after being nearly rear ended by a bus, we finally reached our destination – the Harbour View self catering apartments.

[Pastoral Idyll]

Perspective 5 Gupta :

The apartments were quite nice, though at the person at the reception did ask us for extra cash due to an extra person. However, Kumar did persuade him to call his office, where after a series of humms and hawws, and a 'You'll have to explain it to Jackson', he turned to us and said, 'You're bloody lucky', as they had already put the amount through the system. We also confirmed our apartment, as we were planning to stay in the same place on our return. That amount was also put through, so I chimed in with ' Apparently we're bloody bloody lucky'. But after that he was quite helpful.

[Sunset at Edinburgh]

Kuruvilla: Oooh! I loved da apartments. Kumar did a lovely job booking them. da flat was beautiful with a wonderful view of the harbour, with a lighthouse flashing in the distance, and a cosy hall with a well equipped kitchen. We decided to dump everything and run for the castle as it was getting late. We piled in the cab, and with Joky and Gupta questioning the cabbie about Edinburgh, we hastened towards the famous Edinburgh Castle overlooking the beautiful city and harbour.

[The Entrance to the Castle]

Joky: And I saw a shop called the Greyfriars Bobby !

Kuruvilla : Er.. yes. Anywayyy, we were soon at da castle, and since Gupta had seen it twice before he absolutely refused to go in, and so he and Joky, who had also seen the castle before opted to stay out. The rest of us went into the castle and it was like a fairytale. We saw the dungeons, and the throne room all adorned with weapons on the walls. I pretended that I was the duchess of Scotland as we wandered 'round.

Kumar : The castle was a dump! I cannot believe that we paid good money to go in here. Okay, so the room with the swords was okay, but the rest was worthless! Anyways I humored Kuruvilla as she snapped loads of photos with her camera thingy.

George : Hmm. This seems to be a castle. I would comment more, but I've just gotta take this call.

Kumar : Well we exited out and rejoined the other two, and headed down to the princes avenue. We popped into a few souvenir shops on the way, where I and Gupta bought mufflers.

[Most Excellent View]

Gupta: I already had a muffler, but this one on the rack simply shouted out to me. It was the most vivid and masculine colour, and I could feel it adding to my already powerful aura as I wrapped it around my throat.

Joky : For Pete's sake; it was PINK! I mean it was a ladies muffler! An actual muffler meant for women. I gestured frantically at Gupta to take it off, but he was quite oblivious. We soon got into an argument about whether the muffler was appropriate for men or not. Did I mention it was pink?

We finally made a bet, and to prove his point, Gupta strode over to the girl at the cash counter, the muffler still around his neck.

The conversation went something like this

Gupta: Hi

Pretty girl at counter staring at his pink muffler: er..

Gupta: I would just like to confirm; this muffler is
meant for men, right?

Girl: Um no. That's actually for women.

Gupta: You mean it can be worn by women also. A unisex
kinda thing.

Girl: Nope. That's pretty much for women only.

Gupta, clutching at straws now: But it can be worn by men
too, after all its a good colour. Doesn't it look good on me?

Girl, who wants to make a sale, but not able to lie: Well
yes, but its for women.

Gupta: Well I dont understand. After all it's just like
the other mufflers in that shelf.

Girl: Thats because that's the ladies section, sir. The
men's section is over here...

Gupta: Bah! What do those peasants know about style. Anyways, after they finished laughing, Kumar felt it was time to eat. For once Joky agreed, so we went in hunt of a takeaway. Kumar and I were both rooting for Indian, so we finally found this little Indian place. As soon as we stepped in, we realised it was dead empty. Not a good sign. Anyway, we placed our order, and we were soon in a taxi on the way home.

Kuruvilla : We wuz freezin our asses off out dere, hanging round waiting for our taxi to show. This WAS Scotland in da winter after all. As soon as we reached our apartment, we rushed around putting all da heaters on. We changed, laid out all da food, and started the booze fest in honest.

Kumar: I was feeling a bit peckish by that time, so as Joky was pouring out the drinks I decided to nibble on a few snacks.

Joky: That bugger was eating everything in sight! I was pouring out the Morgans Spiced, while I saw him hiding behind the sofa inhaling the food. Mmm Morgans Spice. I love it. Well The toast was made, and we commenced to partayy!

Kuruvilla : We hit da alcohol hard! The conversation sparkled, erudite and urbane, as we devised solutions of how to eliminate world hunger, and whether Brad Pitt was the reason why Friends finally cancelled. The alcohol and wit flowed like water and I was quite impressed at the intelligence of the people around me.

Joky : ... And I was like - Dude.. and then she.. she wash like - Duuudee !!

Kumar : Gupta, Ish lovesh you. You play teh pool. you are teh cool. Pool is cool.

Joky : Can I stand on my head.. I can stand on my head. but not now. not now. maybe later. or may be now. No, not now. Wooah look at my hand when it come up real close to my face. Its coming, its coming.. wooah no its going back.. wait its coming again.. closer closer.. OW

George : Yes, so we're in Edinburgh today, so tomorrow we'll travel to the Isle of Skye, stay at Portree, then we head on to Inverness, and then back to Edinburgh via Aviemore.

Kuruvilla : Oh George.. you're so drunkkk.. hehehehhehehe ... hehehehehehe

(note from ed. - Did I mention Gupta is a teetotaler?)

Gupta : Look at these &*@##% asses. Drunk off their heads. What do people get out of alcohol, and then behaving like jackasses?

Kumar: G.. George, time to go out for a smoke.

Joky: What about it, Kuruvilla?

Kuruvilla : No no no.. I don’t shmoke..

Joky : O_O

Kuruvilla : Unlessh I’m really really drunk. Lets go! Heheheheehe

A few ciggies later…

Kumar : Duuuuuddee

Joky : Do you guy see these owls? huh huh? Get out of here owls. No, I do not want your encyclopedias. I can’t read your language, I can just speak it. Whoo hoo.. hoo hoo!

Kuruvilla : heheheheheh.. oh I have to puke…

George : Are you all right back there ?

Kuruvilla : No no I’m fine, lemme hav anudder drink. Er lemme puke again first.

George : ok I need to take a leak

Gupta : You all right man?

George : yeah I’m fine man perfectly fine absolutely fine.. BLLEAGGH!

Dear reader, I interrupt here to take you away from this sordid tale. Needless to say, I sobered up in a hurry after that. Fed some food to Kuruvilla and Kumar, ‘n then cleaned up the kitchen after that. All the food we had ordered from the takeaway was still on the table untouched. I just managed to stuff it in the fridge before falling dead on the bed. My last waking thoughts were – This was fun.

[Sunrise o'er the Harbour]

Ed's note: Okay, so this was a hell of long post, and only connected to reality by the thinnest of threads. But hey, thats what happens when you write while under the 'fluence. Again, I apologise to the people paraphrased here (and that too not well). The intent is to be humorous, and not be constrained by reality!And once again, apologies to Mr. Pratchett.


  1. Bleddy you Raven!!.. Amazing memory for details I must say!!

  2. Yes, I've always been trying to tell you all that I'm a genius, but nobody listens.

  3. Eh!!.. Nobody called you a genius here Raven!! You just have freakily good memory.


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