Welcome to ‘07… looks just like ‘06

My first blog of the New Year. Everything looks all fresh and dewy, and the horizon teems with endless possibilities. No no.. wait a minute. Everything is just the same. The same tired ol’ work, the same boring ol’ friends (um except YOU, of course), and even the same tired shows on TV.

Where are the Jetson style air cars, the refrigerators which were supposed to stock up automatically, and the (ahem) pleasure bots? No, our cars still need wheels, and the other day I told my fridge to make me a grilled cheese sandwich, but it just sat there and hummed at me. And don’t even get me started on the pleasure bots.

No, the only thing different is that on New Year’s Eve, my jaw started to ache like anything. Turns out my wisdom tooth is coming out. I was all excited then, eager for my dormant ‘wisdom’ to kick in, much like the bulb which goes on above Sylvester’s head when a new idea to grab Tweety strikes him. I’m still waiting for that wisdom; I hear its a really useful thing to have…

The readership of this blog is growing, so I must be careful about what I write. So I never write about work, or relations, or my sex life (though to be fair, that would be a very boring blog). So I just ramble on.

I have readers who rarely comment on the blog itself, though I do get mail. However, when I do get a comment it’s usually a doozy. Take for instance the comment on my post dated 23rd Nov where I had gone on about jewellery and the colour pink and the strange unholy hold it has on people with the XX chromosome.

Anonymous said

" Thats all u ...And U have not changed at all..."

The comment is obscure, and I may be way off here, but it seems to convey general disapproval and I get the impression that this is a girl we're talking about. I do apologise for bruised egos and sentiment, but my posts are all a farce. My blog is exactly about what it says in the title – MY distorted view of reality. Even though I do try not to spin stories out of thin air, I exaggerate a lot in order to squeeze out the maximum amount of humor from what would be an otherwise humdrum sequence of events. Nothing I say should ever be taken seriously . I blather and spew, and if I can, at most, provoke a chuckle, then I have achieved exactly what I was trying to accomplish.

But I do admit, I really have not changed at all. In the rare occasions I have had to change, I try to first build up a carefully crafted rut and then settle in it. Unlike the meeces in ‘Who moved my cheese’ I resist change with all the resources available to me, and I will only leave my rut if I am dragged, kicking and screaming, from it. BTW, have any of you read ‘Who moved my cheese?’. I found it to be the most absurd collection of psychobabble ever. If ever a three year old was having trouble adapting to change, I might recommend this book to him.

Getting back on track; even better was this comment I received a few days back.

Anonymous says

"Hey I think your blog is Cool , I am single and waiting for a guy like you, Wanna exchange the numbers? Scrap ur number as a reply to this .... I will give u a call Hotty..."

See, I knew having this blog would pay off big time one day. My strategy of never posting my picture has finally paid off. Not that I’m ugly or anything. Its just that ever since I had to do the Heimlich on a girl who was choking on her food coz she was laughing so hard when I asked her out, I’ve been a teeny weeny bit self conscious. Well, I’m vindicated now; apparently I’m haawwt. I only hope that the person who posted this is a girl.

Heh, okay so I'll bite. Who are you Miss (oh pls pls pls be a Miss) Anonymous? Am I really supposed to believe you're not one of my juvenile friends, trying to play this prehistorically old trick on me (heh, remind me to tell you guys about the stuff I've pulled on my friends later.. those poor saps). OMG and if this is not a prank... I'm so so so sorry.

So whats up with new year resolutions, huh? Does anyone actually expect anyone to improve themselves just because the old calendar doesn't work any more? Of course, in my case obviously there is no room for improvement, I am already at the pinnacle of perfection. I have resolved, however, to get acquainted with this animal they call work. After my wisdom tooth comes out, of course. Let me know your new year resolutions, so I can laugh at you.

Well, I'm off on a three day trip to a hill station/wildlife preserve called Munnar, and apparently they don't have a very good internet connectivity. It'll be cool just like the days when triceratops roamed the earth. So if I don't post regularly for some time, you know the reason why. Yes, I know I don't post regularity anyways, but now I have an excuse.

Well, hang loose kids, and enjoy your new year while you can (before I take over the world, and make you all my slaves, that is). Buh bye my babies.

Merry Christmas!!

My best wishes to you and you're loved ones for a very Merry Christmas and a blast of a new year.

This card was made especially for you. I'm not pasting it here, as it need to be seen full screen to do it justice (the F11 key toggles full screen on IE and Firefox). Do turn your speakers on too.

Link to the card here.

Also, you need the flash player plugin (v8 or above). Check your version here. You can download it here.

A Christmas Carol

Well kiddies, a very merry Christmas to you. I hope you all are brimming with the yuletide spirit. I have not slept the whole night, and its 8:45 am and my eyes are all bleary. I was supposed to update my blog regularly (insert sheepish smile here) but unfortunately I'm stuck out in the boondocks (technologically speaking), and I'm not able to get my laptop on the net. I'm currently blogging this on my old PC, and I do mean OLD. I'm talking pentium 2 233 mhz here guys.

So, I'll pause while you applaud my commitment,and then put in some pics, of the wreath at my door and my Xmas tree. The tree is a bit messy, but to quote friends,it looks comfortable and lived in (by monkeys that is).

















Also have a look at the Xmas card I made last year. Link to it here.

In Transit

I'm writing this while sitting in Bangalore (or as it will be called Bangalooru) airport, on my way home for the Christmas hols. Huzzah, I've got two and a half weeks with nothing but rest and relaxation on the agenda. I know I am a very fickle blogger, but expect regular updates from now on.

I'm really getting into the holiday spirit, and even though my nose is plugged up with muck (just getting over a cold), I just cant stop that grin from creepin' up on my face.

So take care, gentle readers, and have a blast for the holidays ^_^

Brainshadows

Have a go at this quiz i made a long.. long time back. Quite outdated by now, its was more experiments with flash (check out the draggable question window and cursor indicators), than an actual quiz, but anyways give it a shot, and be sure to post your name and score in the comments. You can link to a full screen version here.

Droolmaal

Santa, I've been really good this year. Pls pls pls shove this down my stocking.

Alienware Area-51 7500

Mmmmmm look at all the pretty colours...

Zhubaiynyzdin aty-zhene kim?

My friend, Harish, who had gone to the United States a few weeks back, got a real shocker of a news recently. Apparently his company wants him to go to Kazakhstan for some troubleshooting. Now I’m sure that Kazakh is a very nice place to visit, and Harish is eager to go, and I quite envy him. But all the same it doesn’t have a really good human rights record does it?

And apparently, you cannot get a visa for Kazakhstan from the US, so Harish will have to fly to Israel where he’ll get a Kazakh visa. Even stranger, supposedly, if you have an Israel visa on your passport, you cannot visit other middle-east countries later. So the plan is now to get a visa stamped on a separate piece of paper and then pin it on the passport.

So, anyways, when I heard about his trip, of course I advised him to watch Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan. That should get his attention !! I really need to see this movie. Sasha Baron Cohen is a comic genius, and I was absolutely in splits when I used to watch his shows on TV. He pokes abundant fun at Americans for their misogynistic, racist views and ignorance. Just have a look what wikipedia says about him –

Borat was born in 1972 in Kuçzek, Kazakhstan. He is the son of Asimbala Sagdiyev and Boltok the Rapist, who is also his maternal grandfather. He is also the former husband of Oksana Sagdiyev, who was the daughter of Mariam Tuyakbay and Boltok the Rapist. …

Borat has a sister named Natalya, regarded as the fourth-best prostitute in Kazakhstan (and best sex-in-mouth), with whom he often fornicates. He also has a younger brother named Bilo, who is mentally retarded and must be kept locked behind a metal door or in a cage. Bilo also has a pouch were he stores all the porno he looks at inside.

What did I say – hilarious! Just don’t get offended. The funny thing is that the Kazakhstan government has taken this all seriously, and have condemned Sasha Cohen in a press release and stated that his portrayal of Kazakh's people is totally untrue. Borat responded in kind -

"In response to Mr. Ashykbayev's comments, I'd like to state I have no connection with Mr. Cohen and fully support my Government's decision to sue this Jew. Since the 2003 Tuleyakiv reforms, Kazakhstan is as civilised as any other country in the world. Women can now travel on inside of bus, homosexuals no longer have to wear blue hats, and age of consent has been raised to eight years old. Please, captain of industry; I invite you to come to Kazakhstan where we have incredible natural resources, hardworking labour, and some of the cleanest prostitutes in whole of Central Asia. Goodbye! Dzienkuje!"

Anyway Harish, have a great trip and send us some pictures for the blog.

500 Twisted hits

Sometime today morning Mine Darke and Twisted Life clocked up 500 hits. Understandably, I’m pretty pleased with that, and my metrics are showing that I’ve managed to get some readers at least. But, I’ve not yet found my niche, and till that happens I won’t get any regular revisits.

I’m happy I’ve managed to be half regular at posting, at least. Usually, I take up things just to leave them half way down the path… like mildly rotting roadkill. Don’t get me wrong; many people have remarked about my determination and stick-to-itiveness… how little of each I have, that is.

So what’s with people and cars? Every person I meet nowadays seems to advice me to buy a car. Now, even though I can afford it, I prefer driving ‘round on my motorbike. Why would I buy a car? When I tell them this, they point out that with the amount of cash I spent on ‘useless’ gadgets in the last year, I could’ve bought myself a half decent car. At this point, I usually fly into a rage, and after the red mists clear from in front of my eyes, he/she is no where to be seen. Useless gadgets indeed! Hmm.. I wonder why the land behind my apartment seems freshly dug….

It’s getting a bit nippy here in Noida. Winter is on its way. I know it never gets really cold, much better than the winters I spent in the UK, but the difference is that houses in most places in India are designed to keep you cool rather than warm. High ceilings, marble floors and no central heating. Brrr.

This reminds me of the second winter I spent at Nainital. I had my pre-boards, and studying kept me up late. One night was exceptionally cold, and as I looked out of the window, I saw flakes floating down in the moonlight. It was magical. Next morning, there was a frosting of white everywhere. My dogs were quite perplexed, and left dark tracks in the snow as they gingerly walked about. It was the heaviest snowfall in a few years that winter, and when it snows in Nainital, everything comes to a standstill. Traffic stops, most shops close, and worst of all, the power lines went down and it was three days before electricity was restored.

My dad decided that the massive fireplace in the bedroom should be put to use, and he bought a load of firewood. As he confidently stepped up to the fireplace my mom and I diplomatically retired to the next room. Half and hour later, he came out; looking rather frazzled, and picked up the bundle of newspapers we had been saving up for recycling. Another half and hour, and most everything flammable in the house, from the newspaper snatched from my mom’s hands to a box of toothpicks, was in cinders while the firewood stubbornly refused to light up.

As my dad emptied his last bottle of Chivas into the fireplace, the wood grudgingly lit up, at which point we realized that the chimney was blocked solid with varied junk. As we emerged coughing, our neighbours must have thought they had new African neighbours, as we all were covered with a fine patina of soot.

We had a good time that winter though, especially since my exams were postponed. Nainital is beautiful, especially if you live there. Go visit.

SurReality TV

I have recently been forced to watch some of the new Indian reality shows coming on the boob tube, and they have re-enforced my conviction in the stupidity extinction event due to overtake mankind in the next twenty years. In fact, some of the people on those shows seem to goad me to get out my sniper rifle and try to pre-pone the event, at least for some of them. I guess I know I’m really agitated when those voices in my head stop to speak.

Leading the list of evolutionary anachronisms is of course Big Brother, my first contact with which was while watching TV in UK. For a show named after Orwell's inspired view of futuristic dystopia, this show really plumbs the depths of human inanity. The initial attraction was of course, that participants were apt to shed their clothing at any second and have a quick carefree roll in the hay with the nearest possible person/object, quite uninhibited by the presence of ‘bout a hundred cameras with 30x zooms following their every move. After a while though, the perverse nature of this show was such that I found myself eagerly anticipating what Nadia, Stuart and the rest would get up to next. I started becoming allergic to direct sunlight, and watching TV with the lights off made the irises of my eyes expand and turned me a pasty white color, much like Gollum. I finally quit when my reflection in the mirror started to fade.

Now they’ve come up with an Indian Big Brother, which has a dash of Indian masala added in. Hah, I’d rather watch a girl chew a boiled scorpion (which was what was coming on fear factor yesterday). Personally, I prefer my scorpions deep fried. Mmmmm crunchy.

For the few people who have actually scrolled to the end of this page, have you ever been able to beat my Food eating Battle Monkey? Viren Joky is a Haggis Eating Paladin Monkey (9.1), which is much better than a Tripe eating Attack Monkey, like some people I know. Scroll to the bottom of this page and try your luck.

The Quick Fiery Fox

Whoa! I bow down before the gods of Fire Fox who have finally weaned me off IE's devil teats. I'm using an add-on called Performancing to post this blog right now, and if it goes well then I will ritualistically tattoo myself with the firefox icon, and dance naked 'round Mitchell Bakers coffee machine.

powered by performancing firefox

The Eternal Sunshine of my Spotless mind.

Ola! All my avid readers, rejoice; for I am back with an eclectic mix of links and other garbage interspersed by my usual ramblings. It’s been three and a half months and 18 posts since I started blogging, and Mine Darke and Twisted Life is less than a hundred hits away from its half thousand. Now, I KNOW that the source of most of these hits must be me while I work on this page, but there are some people out there who are reading my blog, and I don’t have a clue as to who they are. So do post your comments, either on the blog itself, or at least in the Comment Box on the right. Pretty please with sugar and cream?

Well, I’ve redirected one of my old URLs to point to this blog. Try typing in http://www.enirvana.da.ru/ to get here next time. And now that you guys know this page is worth visiting again and again Click here to add the homepage to your favorites!

Lately life has become ‘Curiouser and Curiouser’ as Alice would have put it. It so happens that I’ve been spending a lot of time with members of the opposite sex, with hardly any male company at all (no, Lokesh, you don’t count). I have therefore been immersed in a world of shoes, purses, jewellery in a bewildering array of shapes and sizes, and of course clothes, all tinted in vibrant hues of pink. Hmm, that last sentence may earn me a slow and torturous death at the hand of militant feminists, but then, diplomacy has never been my forte. My exaggerative, or ‘alternate truth’ telling skills are par excellence, but diplomacy.. never.

So, as I learnt the difference between danglers, hoops and studs, smelled all the different fragrances in a rainbow and comprehended that, no; a purse is not just something to carry things in, I felt my masculinity (as much as I have anyway) slowly being eroded, much like a chocolate excess on the jagged teeth of femininity. Well, I know what I got to do now.. swagger in a bar with my mates, adjust my crotch, and drink the night away while telling obscene jokes and belching out Cotton Eye Joe. Hmm, but before I do that, I just saw these darling pink sequined jeans which look just my size. I’ll be right back....

Psyche, I joke, I joke, I kid, I kid. Seriously, I hardly ever saw the colour pink, and absolutely no sequins. I just tend to get carried away trying to imitate Erma Bombeck. And since my macho-ness levels have always been quite in the negative (except for a slight affinity towards power tools; insert simian grunt here aka Tim-the-Toolman Taylor), I quite enjoyed myself drinking strawberry daquiris rather than whiskey on the rocks.

I have also met a real live person who actually posts on deviantART. Now, as per my profile, I’ve been a Deviant since Mar 13, 2001, 9:58 AM, and have posted absolutely.. zip, zilch, nada. Err.. when I say ‘deviant’ I mean a member of deviantART, thought my (airquotes) friends will say I’ve been a deviant for much much longer. Anyways, check out her art at http://shazzer06.deviantart.com/ ; its really good.

Now for a few informative and educational links. For all you people who always wanted to know more about the fine art of nosepicking but were afraid to ask; enjoy - http://jubal.westnet.com/hyperdiscordia/nosepicking.html . I just adore that last paragraph. Have you ever wanted see your worst enemy cry on the floor like a baby ? Torment him with this exquisite selection of pranks.

Allrighty then folks, this is me signing off. It’s been real… er no, its been surreal.

A Horrorful Hallowe'en

Muahaha it's Hallowe'en again, and its time for me to unfurl my Bat wings, bare my fangs and let my pent up rage loose again. Or perhaps I can just put on a set of cheesy plastic fangs and scare little girls (my friends will tell me I don’t need the extra fangs).

I read somewhere that the most popular costume was that of a princess. A Princess?? What has Halloween come to? And of course the staple fare of vampires, Frankensteins, and ghosts has become way passé. How about these monsters ?

Creature - Culture

Hai-uru - African

Raktabija - Indian

Chindis - Navajo

Golem - Jewish

Chupacabra - Puerto Rican, Mexican

Jinn - Islamic

Banshees - Irish

Ghouls - Arabic

Windigo - Cree and Ojibwa

Read more abt them here

Well, I have another halloweeny tale, one which occurred quite some time before Halloween, which makes it all the more funny. Saujanya, Gaurav and I had taken a bus out to PCWorld to search for laptop cases (which we didn’t really find), and on the way back we popped into an Asda we had never visited before. Well this Asda had a Halloween section and we found a mask which was absolutely hilarious. We were literally rolling in the aisles, tears streaming down our faces. So we bought the masks, and Gaurav put it on, and stood by the road with his thumb out pretending to be trying to hitch a ride, while I and Sauji were in paroxysms of mirth. I’m sure that unsuspecting drivers felt thay had suddenly entered an episode of The Twilight Zone. We caught the bus back (it was a Double Decker) and Gaurav sat right in front with the mask on. People were staring and pointing, and I’m sure that Gaurav was especially pleased when a whole gaggle of girls exiting a nightclub started pointing at him and screaming and laughing.

An addendum to this is that a few days later Gaurav visited our friend Prashanth's house. Now Prashanth has a young daughter Nitika. Well Gaurav, decided it would be a blast if he wore his mask, and so he put it on and when the opened the door, he peeped in. Besides sending Prashant and his wife into hysterics, Nitika took one look at Gaurav and started crying. Gaurav told us later (a little proudly I feel) that Nitika kept crying for the next hour. To which our obvious response was, 'Thank god you wore the mask. If she saw your real face she would have cried the whole night!'.

Have a look at the mask below - (click on it to get the full view)

For my faithful readers, I have a few ghoulish pictures, most courtesy http://www.deviantart.com/ (which is a really excellent site for graphically minded people like me).

In Retrospect
I've been ignoring my blog again, since my life has been pretty exiting and hectic for the past few weeks. Just for example, I've been in three countries in the last two weeks (four if you count Vienna airport), lost my passport in one of them, and changed three offices in three weeks.

Well, am going to start posting and pre-dating my blogs again, so be sure to visit regularily to see what incredibly foolish things I do next.

Just for example visit http://www.bash.org/?689521 , where I've finally made it on Bash.org. In case you were guessing, I'm r34en, and yes, I AM a n00b.

A Big Bang

It's Deepawali, the Indian festival of lights, so I'd just like to wish all my avid readers a Subh Deepawali and loads of fun this holiday season. Have a look at some 'pataka' pics -

Swiss Pics Day 1

A Swiss Tale - Day 1

Well, I'm sitting at Vienna airport waiting for my connection to Delhi, and what better way to kill time than catching up with my blog. This has been a real eventful month, too eventful by half.

Let me start with my grand holiday to Switzerland... one I almost did'nt return from!

Day 1

It was a bright evening as Saujanya, Gaurav, Shweta, Shelly, Arthur and I set off from Norwich. A cheerful mood prevailed, except of course for Arthur, who was catching up on his hibernation, and Gaurav who was lost in a coma. As anticipated, Saujanya, Shelly and Shweta were at each other's throats from the get go. I of course spent my time making inane comments and playing both sides.

We reached Stanstead by around 4 pm, and our two resident steam engines hurried to raise the nicotine levels in their alcohol stream. Once that was concluded to everyone's (dis)satisfaction, and a few pictures snapped, we headed on to the check in. Everything was proceeding smoothly, till we reached the security, where I blame most of the confusion on Saujanya's hat. The headgear in question was supposed to make him look like Brad Pitt, but unfortunately made him look like a bandito out of an old western. Whereas I walked through without anyone giving a second glance, he was strip searched (well they made him remove his shoes) and scrutinised very thouroughly, and the same fate befell his partner in crime , Shweta. Apparently a single security check was insufficient for the Brits, as they had a second round of shoe removing activity, where all of us had to take of our shoes. The pong was so rank, I'm sure that if anyone lit a match the room would have exploded.

Well, these minor hiccups aside, we were finally seated in the plane (the correct plane!) were Saujanya and Shweta promptly proceeded to commence World War 3. After gratituous violence on Shweta's part, Saujanya finally rang for the stewardess to complain, while I did my best to squeeze out of the window and obtain a seat on the wing, where I would be less conspicuous. And thus we reached Geneva, where we were bombarded by an incredible array of billboards advertising wristwatches of every imaginable size, shape and colour.

The first challenge that night was to find our hotel, which our intrepid navigator, Arthur managed to guide us towards. The Phoenix Airport Hotel is a decent stay (mebbe if I plug it here I'll get a free stay next time). As usual, we guys were self sacrificing, and let the girls have the bigger luxurious room, while the two smokers spent the night in each other's arms (just to point out - they opted for a double bed), while I and Saujanya spent the night next door to a snorer who sounded as though he was taking a course in amatuer carpentry and sawing wood the whole night. Of course Gaurav managed to find the one channel on TV which was showing something 'interesting', so all in all it was a happening night.

My long lost soul

Ohh my poor lil' Bloggie... I haven't updated you in so long. Well, I've been so busy...damn that IRC.

I'm gonna pre-date my blogs to give the illusion that I've been a conscientious blogger... get ready for a flood of blogs!

It's all Sci/Fi to me!

I have become a fan of Stephen Baxter. Finished reading Mammoth and Evolution, now working through Time. I am always on the lookout for good Sci/fi authors, and I think I have hit a rich lode. Mammoth and Evolution are set in the past (most of the time); Mammoth tells the story of three (predictably) Mammoths ; Silverhair, Longtusk and Icebones, and reminds me strongly of Jean M Auel's novels (Clan of the Cave Bear and suchlike), and is historical fiction rather than Sci/fi. Evolution is a story of guess what.. Evolution!! But Time is genuine Sci/Fi with messages from the future, intelligent Squid and stuff. Definitely worth a read.

Speaking of Sci/Fi go read Niven and Pournelle's FootFall. I loved that book. And of course Niven is the author of Ringworld, a sci fi classic, wit many references in popular culture. Halo gamers will be familiar with the concept.

Moving along from serious Sci Fi, welcome to Discworld, Terry Prachett's twisted world which floats through space on the back of a giant turtle! Witty and perceptive, this is extremely addictive reading!

Watch this space for more Sci/Fi stuff.

Jurassic Bark.

So I was invited to this super secret gene lab a few days back. They were all like, "Lets make squid - dog hybrids and clone Hitler but with a handlebar moustache' an' stuff". And these geeks have actually pulled a Michael Crichton and extracted a batch of preserved dino genes and bunged it into a lizard shake and... hey presto! Instant Dinosaur! Naturally, they had to invite me, coz I'm the King of everything. Do I detect scepticism ??? Have a look at this video then. And don't mind the kids at the sides.. They were later chopped up for dino fodder. Mmmmm Children....




Ok so they are'nt real 'saurs. This is actually the Museum of Natural History's latest exhibit. Visited it while I was in London the other day. This must be my n'th visit to London, and I finally got to see Westminister Abbey. Was most interested in Newton's monument as shown in the Da Vinci Code, but they had roped off that area and I had to peer at it from afar.

All your base are belong to us

Yes I'm back and more 1337 than ever ! That's leet- you uninitiated noobs! Speaking of noobs, only three people have posted comments on this blog till now! Yet my hit counter is incrementing like the never-ending loops in my code which crash CICS and gets my IQ compared to the current room temperature. Okay, so I'm not good with analogies. But its true; I'm getting lotza hits.. .well it must be a cyber poltergiest. So guys, do post comments and add yourselves to my Frappr map. I will pay £1 for every comment so put your a/c number and password there too....

I have found a new way to justify my meagre salary. http://bash.org the whole day long. It's like, exerpts from IRC chats and they are LMAO hilarious. The brit sitting facing me is getting a bit freaked out, cuz I have this maniac smile on most of the time. I think I scare him. This gets my vote for site of the week.

Speaking of laughter, here's another Murphy's Law for Nags who liked tho other one so much. This one is both from personal experience as well as my careful observations of the animal known as Harish in the wild.

You only have to laugh when you can't, or should'nt, or are drinking water,in
which case there is no point trying to control it, as first your body will start
shaking silently, then tears will run down your eyes and farting sounds will
escape your mouth before you finally burst, and if you have any liquid in your
mouth at the time, it will spray out of your nose drenching those in front of
you with slime.

Corollary : The force of the slime thru nose output is directly propotional to the number of people in front of you.

Fatal law of laughter - Never, never laugh while saying 'Tablespace'

Anyway, to help you with your mucous spray, here are a few quotes from bash.org, wo0t wo0t :


#99835 +(13287)- [X]
Hey, you know what sucks?
vaccuums
Hey, you know what sucks in a metaphorical sense?
black holes
Hey, you know what just isn't cool?
lava?

#23601 +(10048)- [X]
what should I give sister for unzipping?
Um. Ten bucks?
no I mean like, WinZip?

#261501 +(8531)- [X]
the "bishop" came to our church today
he was a fucken impostor
never once moved diagonally

#104383 +(8316)- [X]
bloodninja: Baby, I been havin a tough night so treat me nice aight?
BritneySpears14: Aight.
bloodninja: Slip out of those pants baby, yeah.
BritneySpears14: I slip out of my pants, just for you, bloodninja.
bloodninja: Oh yeah, aight. Aight, I put on my robe and wizard hat.
BritneySpears14: Oh, I like to play dress up.
bloodninja: Me too baby.
BritneySpears14: I kiss you softly on your chest.
bloodninja: I cast Lvl. 3 Eroticism. You turn into a real beautiful woman.
BritneySpears14: Hey...
bloodninja: I meditate to regain my mana, before casting Lvl. 8 chicken of the Infinite.
BritneySpears14: Funny I still don't see it.
bloodninja: I spend my mana reserves to cast Mighty F*ck of the Beyondness.
BritneySpears14: You are the worst cyber partner ever. This is ridiculous.
bloodninja: Don't f*ck with me bitch, I'm the mightiest sorcerer of the lands.
bloodninja: I steal yo soul and cast Lightning Lvl. 1,000,000 Your body explodes into a fine bloody mist, because you are only a Lvl. 2 Druid.
BritneySpears14: Don't ever message me again you piece of ****.
bloodninja: Robots are trying to drill my brain but my lightning shield inflicts DOA attack, leaving the robots as flaming piles of metal.
bloodninja: King Arthur congratulates me for destroying Dr. Robotnik's evil army of Robot Socialist Republics. The cold war ends. Reagan steals my accomplishments and makes like it was cause of him.
bloodninja: You still there baby? I think it's getting hard now.
bloodninja: Baby?
--------------
BritneySpears14: Ok, are you ready?
eminemBNJA: Aight, yeah I'm ready.
BritneySpears14: I like your music Em... Tee hee.
eminemBNJA: huh huh, yeah, I make it for the ladies.
BritneySpears14: Mmm, we like it a lot. Let me show you.
BritneySpears14: I take off your pants, slowly, and massage your muscular physique.
eminemBNJA: Oh I like that Baby. I put on my robe and wizard hat.
BritneySpears14: What the f*ck, I told you not to message me again.
eminemBNJA: Oh ****
BritneySpears14: I swear if you do it one more time I'm gonna report your ISP and say you were sending me kiddie porn you f*ck up.
eminemBNJA: Oh ****
eminemBNJA: damn I gotta write down your names or something