Dinner and drinks - Scotland Day 2 part 2

7.30 pm: Where the weary travellers finally arrive.
We reached the Bayfield Backpackers at around a quarter to eight, and were shown to our rooms by the friendly owner. The hostel was quite decent, and was full of Chinese, surprisingly. He recommended a restaurant nearby for dinner, where we proceeded and made a booking for later.

Portree is a tiny little town, with nothing much going for it, except a gale force wind which nearly lifted us off our feet. The wind blew straight in from the sea bringing with it a smattering of rain with each gust. Since we had about an hour to kill, we made our way in to the nearest pub with a pool table, where Gupta proceeded to comprehensively wipe the floor first with Kumar, and then with the locals. Meanwhile I and George enjoyed a smooth drink of Tallisker whiskey (the only whiskey produced on the island itself – at the Tallisker distillery) on rocks.


9.00 pm : Dinner and drinks.
We then headed to the restaurant, which was rather posh with a steep menu. The ambiance however, quite made up for the prices, and the food was delightful. I had the beefsteak with pepper sauce accompanied with haggis on the side with mountains of steamed vegetables. A red wine was ordered which quite complimented the food, and amidst happy chatter, we dug into the food.

Full and sated, and mildly intoxicated with the whisky and wine, we made our way back to the hostel, and into the common room, which was quite deserted at that time of night. The Bacardi and Morgan’s Spiced we brought out, and we rummaged through a stack of board games to play.

10.30 pm : A Trivial Pursuit indeed.
We finally settled on Trivial Pursuit, a game that none of us had played before, and consequently had to interpret the rules as best as we could, which in our inebriated state, led to quite a surreal game. We shuffled the deck of cards meant for adults, and started off.

I mean started off figuratively, as 15 minutes later we were all still in the exact same starting questions, scratching our heads over questions like 'Who won the 1980 Women’s Ping Pong championships in Bournemouth', or 'What significance does the phrase 'want bitty' mean to Harvey from Little Britain?'. Apparently, British trivia was much too complicated for our feeble brains, so we switched to the children’s pack of cards.

At the Children’s level, the advantage of still being in my first childhood became quickly apparent, as I started fielding question left and right such as –

Q. How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
A. He would chuck, he would, as much as he could, if a woodchuck could chuck wood.
Also Acceptable - It might depend on how many female woodchucks were present. Or, it could depend on whether the woodchuck's mother-in-law was around or not. If she was, he'd be chucking all day. If not, he'd be watching the football game.

Q. What colour were the Little Mermaid's knickers
A. Trick question! She never wore any.

We all were soon moving our counters round the board, except George, who had the bad luck of being stuck with some real mind-bending stumpers; including 'Complete the name of this famous fashion house- Ralph ____?', 'Would you find an orang-u-tan in a) A Forest b)The Kitchen or c) Your girlfriends pants' (though even I had to admit that there was no SINGLE correct answer here), and 'Spell your name backwards'.

11.30 pm: Ruin and Destitution.
Well, my prodigious brainpower ensured I won the game, followed by Kuruvilla as a close second, leaving George at the end to mutter and curse gnaw at the board. He soon had his revenge however, as we moved on to monopoly next where my generous and giving nature soon left me bankrupt, and I was forced to steal money from Kumar by distracting him by pretending nude Scots girls were frolicking outside the window behind us.

12.15 am: Nightime Chills.
By that time we had pretty much demolished most of the alcohol we had brought in, and when I had to bring my face about 5 centimetres from the notes to read their denomination, I decided it was time to give up and turn in. The only problem was, when we reached our room it was freezing cold; colder than a witch's tits; to be colourful about it. Apparently, the lodge keeper had forgotten to turn up the heating in our room, as Kuruvilla, who was sleeping in a different dorm reported back that it was all toasty warm over there. After trying the 'panic' button on the counter several times with no luck, we resigned ourselves to dying from hypothermia that night.

12.45 am: A Romantic interlude thwarted.
Gupta and I immediately took the opportunity to announce that we would share the same bunk in the interest of 'sharing body heat', but that proposal was squashed immediately by the other homophobic prudes in our party. And that is INSPITE of the fact that we insisted we would be sharing ONLY body heat and nothing else. Apparently, getting frostbitten privates is infinitely preferable to doing anything vaguely 'gay'.

1.15 am: Dream Time.
Well, that was the end of the of a must enjoyable day 2, and I slowly dropped off into insensibility, with only my nose peeking out of the bedclothes.

The Drive to Skye - Scotland Day 2 part 1

5.00 am: Coffee and Conversation at dawn.
I woke up around 5 am the next day, quite a bit woozy and disoriented, but driven out of bed by the realization that we had to leave as early as possible, and that none of the others would be up on time unless I woke them. In this, however, I was wrong, as Kuruvilla's bed was empty, and I saw her lying half comatose in the hall, having being awakened by a phone call from India. We felt much better once we got some caffeine in us, and we watched the spectacular sunrise over the harbour as we slowly sipped our coffee.

6.30 am: Where they were rudely awakened
The next challenge was waking up the other narcoleptic three. Gupta was up without too much of a fuss, but both George and Kumar, deeply dreaming of the women they could never get in real life, absolutely refused to get up. So I got Kuruvilla and Gupta to use the bathrooms (there were only two) first, while I woke the remaining too. I started work on George first. After a dint of much poking and prodding and guilt-trips, he finally sat up. My sigh of relief was premature however, as he saw Kumar snug under the duvet, and said - Wake him up first, and dropped straight back into his pillow. Okay, so I'll wake up Kumar, I thought. This was easier said than done as, for a skinny little skeleton; Kumar was surprisingly resistant to being woken up, clinging to his duvet and blanket and perverted dreams like a cross between a mule and a limpet.

7.00 am: Where I am tortured.
Oh, hang it all, I thought, and since one of the bathrooms were free by then, I in to start my toilet. Ahh, what could be more relaxing than a hot shower, especially when the climate is a bit nippy. I all but melted under the soothing jets of hot H2O, but quickly and rudely awakened when within five minutes the pleasant stream of water, became a FRIGID STREAM OF LIQUID ICE. Well, I should have seen that happening.

Remember guys, when there is a limited size boiler in the house, DO NOT LET THE GIRL TAKE THE FIRST BATH. Well, you can imagine the scene - me nekked and all soaped up cowering in the far corner, as far away from the stream of water which is so cold that it BURNED. From the other bathroom, a scream of pure anguish fell on my ears. I smiled sourly; apparently George had found the hot water had run out too.

I don’t want to recount how I managed to shower off the remaining soap off me, but I still dream about it sometimes. It haunts me. Kumar of course, having been the last person to get up did not have to suffer the agony of the temperature of the shower dropping from a pleasant 40 C to around 0 Kelvin. He simply opted not to have a bath, which worked out well for him, but forced the rest of us to spend that day travelling with our heads sticking out of the car window.

10 am: Last Moment Leaving Panic
After a hurried breakfast and a careful packing of the car, by which I mean throwing everything we had in the house in the back of the car, Kumar with great skill and resource lost the car keys. He made it seem so easy. Well, after a frantic ten minutes, where he panicked and jumped around like a castrated cockroach, we found the keys in his pocket, and checked out, and were off on our way, with Gupta at the wheel.

We found our way very easily this time, mostly due to my amazing memory and map reading skill, and were soon on our way to Fort William.

10.45 am: Loch, Stock and four smoking tyres.
We avoided the A90, and the bridge, which was apparently heavily crowded, but went west on the Glasgow road and merged onto the M9, which we left at Kildean to go on the A84.The A84/A82 is an amazingly scenic route, especially after Callander, after which we drove through several well wooded areas, and passed several Lochs with fascinating names like Loch Lubnaig, Loch Earn, Loch Tulla (with a turnoff to the ominous sounding Black Mountain), Lock Nah-Achlaise and Lock Ba.

We stopped at one of these lochs to take a few photographs and stretch our legs, and then we were off again. And here they are -

Remember, click on the slideshow to view them in detail. It's quite worth it, I promise you.

At Glencoe, we turned off our route to circle Loch Leven, passing Kinlochleven (a picturesque small town with amazing views), to reach the A82 again at North Ballachulish, after which we were on the Great Western Way, driving along the HUGE Loch Linhe, till we reached Fort William.

3.00 pm: Hunger Pangs

By this time I was trying to subdue a rebellion in the car, as except for Gupta and me, the remaining three were clamouring for their food. The worst was Kumar, who could hardly go an hour without shovelling some sort of sustenance into his gaping maw.

The trend went like this – about 15 minutes from the previous stop where Kumar had demolished a couple of burgers, he’d start to look uneasy. Twenty minutes in, and he’d be darting shifty sidelong glances at the rest of us, looking more starving coyote than human. Thirty minutes was usually the breaking point, at which point he would turn around and ask if anyone else was feeling hungry. Not that HE was feeling hungry, of course, he declares emphatically; but he just likes to be considerate. At which point I usually squelch him by pointing out that if we stopped as often as he would like, we would still be around the outskirts of Norfolk.

But it was late afternoon, by the time we reached Fort William, and I was afraid that forcing the troops any further without fuel would result in a lynch mob, so we pulled into the first parking we saw.

4.00 pm: Tourism = McDonalds.
Fort William was decent enough, but very touristy and commercial. Kuruvilla had been yearning for a McDonald’s burger for the past two hours, and Manish had to feed his pet tapeworm, so we went into the closest McDonalds. There were a large option of burgers with different kinds of meat, but unfortunately not the Haggis burger I had been hoping for. Surprisingly, there was not even one veggie option, so Gupta had to do with fries while he mumbled and cursed.

5.00 pm: A Drive at Dusk; The Isle of Skye.

It was mid-evening by the time we left Fort William, and we hurried along the Great Glen Way, another very scenic route, passing Loch Lochy, where we left the A82 at Invergarry to continue on the A87, Loch Garry and Loch Cluane. By this time it was getting pretty murky, and most of the occupants were comatose, twitching and muttering in their sleep. Loch Duch loomed out from the gloom, with the Eilean Donan castle eerily lighted up. This castle was where the Highlander movies were shot, and is as remote and beautiful as in the movies.

It was getting pretty dark by this time, and we finally reached the Kyle of Lochalsh, where we crossed a huge bridge and were finally on the Isle of Skye!

5 perspectives (or) 'Trippin in da land of Scots

Imagine, floating in space, nothing in front of you for miles but the stars making pinpoints of light in the vast blackness of space. You blink and then realise that a small crescent of the twinkling night is eaten away by a semicircle of pure blackness. Cue the crescendo of orchestral music, as you realise that the blackness is actually a ginormous disk resting on the back of a giant space turtle.

As the turtle does a lazy roll in space, the upper side of the disk suddenly becomes visible, and is completely different from the underside. For one thing it has its own miniature sun and moon, both revolving merrily around the disk. As the disk moves closer, your perspective zooms in, so what was a mass of greens, blues and browns resolve themselves into oceans and continents. Closer still and we see a small island, unique in that all around it the sun is shining brilliantly, while on it, there seems to be a blanket of dark clouds, looking so impenetrable that they give the appearance of being there for millennia, and having no intention of going away in a hurry.

As you pass through the clouds, a network of roads on the island becomes visible, and you happen to notice one particular car hurtling northwards in fits and swerves, as though the driver and the navigator are arguing on the correct way to hold the steering wheel, and are almost coming to blows about it. This car interests you strangely, and you allow yourself to fall towards it. It's quite serene floating through the atmosphere, till you realise you can't stop and hit the roof of the car with a 'Thump!''

Perspective 1 Kuruvilla :
Wha!' says I, as I awake to the weirdest scene. In the front, Kumar and Gupta have their hands at each other's throats, while the steering wheel drifts slowly to and fro. At the back on either side of me, Joky and George are covering near the door huddled with their heads tucked below their arms. 'Did I ever have the weirdest dream' said I. 'Was it about the national tai-kwon-do championships?' replied Joky as he turned towards me revealing a bloody nose, 'Coz you were flailing your arms around like Jackie Chan on hallucogenics!’ And thus Day 1 dawns, with us sitting in bitter silence as the rain pours down like a Labrador’s tears.

[Gorgeous Greens]

Day 1 – 22’nd Dec

Okay so I exaggerate. dere was no dream sequence, no bloody nose, and dere absolutely no giant Space turtles. Or at least dat's what da CIA want you to think. hehehehe. We stopped off at a pit stop near da lake district for a quick breakfast, after which Joky gave up the wheel to Manish while Dheeraj took on the navigator's role. As we entered into Scotland, miraculously da sky began to clear to become the most brilliant blue. We soon entered A701 which was a marvelously scenic strip of road. I cradled my baby; my D40x in my lap and crooned to it a lullaby of all the pix we would take together.

[The Road Ahead]

Perspective 2 Kumar :
’Dudeee!’ I exclaimed as I was on the road with the steering wheel gripped firmly, ‘this is cool.’ I could just about make out the road blurring past though the drug haze, but the car almost steered itself and the wheels lifted off the asphalt and we flew into the rainbow.

[Stone Wall]

[Sheepish Love]

We were just driving past this meadow, when I fell in love. The most beautiful creatures dotted the hills, white and fluffy, as though god had broken off pieces of clouds and scattered them on earth. Well I had to see these beautiful creatures up close, so we pulled up and walked to the meadow. As I raced to embrace the sheep, to my dismay they turned as one and trotted quickly away. What ever could the Scots have done to sheep to make them so wary of humans? I wonder….

Perspective 3 : George
As we passed sign after sign marked Edinburgh, I could only come to one conclusion - We were heading to Edinburgh! I knew we were supposed to head to Wales, but I much preffered Scotland, so decided to keep mum. I sniggered quietly to myself, and resolved not to look too smug when they finally discovered we were headed completely in the wrong direction!

Perspective 4: Joky

As the only sane member of the party, I tried to keep my wits about me. We soon entered Edinburgh, and thanks to my sterling and flawless backseat navigation, we were soon hopelessly and utterly lost. We had to stop and ask an assortment of people for directions, including this couple of lovely Scottish lassies with come-hither smiles.

[Heathered hills]

Unfortunately, my friends did not let me get very chummy with them and drove away just as I was use my infallible pick-up line (if you want me to share it, send me a cheque for £50). The next people we approached were this elderly couple; the lady tried her best, but her husband took one look at the map we had and exclaimed, ‘That’s made in England. It’s rubbish!’ Anyway after a scenic tour round the city and after being nearly rear ended by a bus, we finally reached our destination – the Harbour View self catering apartments.

[Pastoral Idyll]

Perspective 5 Gupta :
The apartments were quite nice, though at the person at the reception did ask us for extra cash due to an extra person. However, Kumar did persuade him to call his office, where after a series of humms and hawws, and a 'You'll have to explain it to Jackson', he turned to us and said, 'You're bloody lucky', as they had already put the amount through the system. We also confirmed our apartment, as we were planning to stay in the same place on our return. That amount was also put through, so I chimed in with ' Apparently we're bloody bloody lucky'. But after that he was quite helpful.

[Sunset at Edinburgh]

Kuruvilla: Oooh! I loved da apartments. Kumar did a lovely job booking them. da flat was beautiful with a wonderful view of the harbour, with a lighthouse flashing in the distance, and a cosy hall with a well equipped kitchen. We decided to dump everything and run for the castle as it was getting late. We piled in the cab, and with Joky and Gupta questioning the cabbie about Edinburgh, we hastened towards the famous Edinburgh Castle overlooking the beautiful city and harbour.

[The Entrance to the Castle]

Joky: And I saw a shop called the Greyfriars Bobby !

Kuruvilla : Er.. yes. Anywayyy, we were soon at da castle, and since Gupta had seen it twice before he absolutely refused to go in, and so he and Joky, who had also seen the castle before opted to stay out. The rest of us went into the castle and it was like a fairytale. We saw the dungeons, and the throne room all adorned with weapons on the walls. I pretended that I was the duchess of Scotland as we wandered 'round.

Kumar : The castle was a dump! I cannot believe that we paid good money to go in here. Okay, so the room with the swords was okay, but the rest was worthless! Anyways I humored Kuruvilla as she snapped loads of photos with her camera thingy.

George : Hmm. This seems to be a castle. I would comment more, but I've just gotta take this call.

Kumar : Well we exited out and rejoined the other two, and headed down to the princes avenue. We popped into a few souvenir shops on the way, where I and Gupta bought mufflers.

[Most Excellent View]

Gupta: I already had a muffler, but this one on the rack simply shouted out to me. It was the most vivid and masculine colour, and I could feel it adding to my already powerful aura as I wrapped it around my throat.

Joky : For Pete's sake; it was PINK! I mean it was a ladies muffler! An actual muffler meant for women. I gestured frantically at Gupta to take it off, but he was quite oblivious. We soon got into an argument about whether the muffler was appropriate for men or not. Did I mention it was pink?

We finally made a bet, and to prove his point, Gupta strode over to the girl at the cash counter, the muffler still around his neck.

The conversation went something like this

Gupta: Hi

Pretty girl at counter staring at his pink muffler: er..
hi.

Gupta: I would just like to confirm; this muffler is
meant for men, right?

Girl: Um no. That's actually for women.

Gupta: You mean it can be worn by women also. A unisex
kinda thing.

Girl: Nope. That's pretty much for women only.

Gupta, clutching at straws now: But it can be worn by men
too, after all its a good colour. Doesn't it look good on me?

Girl, who wants to make a sale, but not able to lie: Well
yes, but its for women.

Gupta: Well I dont understand. After all it's just like
the other mufflers in that shelf.

Girl: Thats because that's the ladies section, sir. The
men's section is over here...

Gupta: Bah! What do those peasants know about style. Anyways, after they finished laughing, Kumar felt it was time to eat. For once Joky agreed, so we went in hunt of a takeaway. Kumar and I were both rooting for Indian, so we finally found this little Indian place. As soon as we stepped in, we realised it was dead empty. Not a good sign. Anyway, we placed our order, and we were soon in a taxi on the way home.

Kuruvilla : We wuz freezin our asses off out dere, hanging round waiting for our taxi to show. This WAS Scotland in da winter after all. As soon as we reached our apartment, we rushed around putting all da heaters on. We changed, laid out all da food, and started the booze fest in honest.

Kumar: I was feeling a bit peckish by that time, so as Joky was pouring out the drinks I decided to nibble on a few snacks.

Joky: That bugger was eating everything in sight! I was pouring out the Morgans Spiced, while I saw him hiding behind the sofa inhaling the food. Mmm Morgans Spice. I love it. Well The toast was made, and we commenced to partayy!

Kuruvilla : We hit da alcohol hard! The conversation sparkled, erudite and urbane, as we devised solutions of how to eliminate world hunger, and whether Brad Pitt was the reason why Friends finally cancelled. The alcohol and wit flowed like water and I was quite impressed at the intelligence of the people around me.

Joky : ... And I was like - Dude.. and then she.. she wash like - Duuudee !!

Kumar : Gupta, Ish lovesh you. You play teh pool. you are teh cool. Pool is cool.

Joky : Can I stand on my head.. I can stand on my head. but not now. not now. maybe later. or may be now. No, not now. Wooah look at my hand when it come up real close to my face. Its coming, its coming.. wooah no its going back.. wait its coming again.. closer closer.. OW

George : Yes, so we're in Edinburgh today, so tomorrow we'll travel to the Isle of Skye, stay at Portree, then we head on to Inverness, and then back to Edinburgh via Aviemore.

Kuruvilla : Oh George.. you're so drunkkk.. hehehehhehehe ... hehehehehehe

(note from ed. - Did I mention Gupta is a teetotaler?)

Gupta : Look at these &*@##% asses. Drunk off their heads. What do people get out of alcohol, and then behaving like jackasses?

Kumar: G.. George, time to go out for a smoke.

Joky: What about it, Kuruvilla?

Kuruvilla : No no no.. I don’t shmoke..

Joky : O_O

Kuruvilla : Unlessh I’m really really drunk. Lets go! Heheheheehe

A few ciggies later…

Kumar : Duuuuuddee

Joky : Do you guy see these owls? huh huh? Get out of here owls. No, I do not want your encyclopedias. I can’t read your language, I can just speak it. Whoo hoo.. hoo hoo!

Kuruvilla : heheheheheh.. oh I have to puke…

George : Are you all right back there ?

Kuruvilla : No no I’m fine, lemme hav anudder drink. Er lemme puke again first.

George : ok I need to take a leak

Gupta : You all right man?

George : yeah I’m fine man perfectly fine absolutely fine.. BLLEAGGH!


Dear reader, I interrupt here to take you away from this sordid tale. Needless to say, I sobered up in a hurry after that. Fed some food to Kuruvilla and Kumar, ‘n then cleaned up the kitchen after that. All the food we had ordered from the takeaway was still on the table untouched. I just managed to stuff it in the fridge before falling dead on the bed. My last waking thoughts were – This was fun.

[Sunrise o'er the Harbour]

Ed's note: Okay, so this was a hell of long post, and only connected to reality by the thinnest of threads. But hey, thats what happens when you write while under the 'fluence. Again, I apologise to the people paraphrased here (and that too not well). The intent is to be humorous, and not be constrained by reality!And once again, apologies to Mr. Pratchett.

A Wee Bonnie Sheepie

Let me tell you a sordid tale; a tale of moral degradation, of alcoholism, deprivation and ovine voyeurism.

It is the tale of our road trip to Scotland over Christmas. The middle of a wet depressing winter brings out thoughts of suicide in any reasonable man, and the only way to survive, or so I thought, was to freak out over the winter holidays.

So a trip was planned, no not to Ibiza, or the West Indies, or even the south of England. I planned to go to Scotland where I could freeze my 'nads off.

Well I didn't have any real friends left in the UK, so I had to settle for an assorted collection of second-tier creatures to accompany me, mainly based on their utility. So I got a driver, a photographer, a person to speak English with a brit accent in case we were ever pulled over by the cops, and someone to provide comic relief. Well, after the trip, I can say that they all were totally useless at their assigned roles! Except maybe the photographer did provide a lot of comic relief, as it was drunk most of the time.

The driver fought with the brit accent guy the whole of the way trying to figure out who was the better driver, the photographer had been told to always crouch on the ground to take photographs, so roughly half our time was wasted seeing it trying to balance on its haunches like a pup learning to beg, and the comic relief was so spaced out that most of the time his vacation was actually running on a 12 hour jet lag behind ours.

Okay, so I kid. Most of these guys were always among my good friends, and the camaraderie we shared on this trip has bumped them up to among the best of my friends. I don’t know about them, but once the trip was over I got a bit depressed missing them (help! they're forcing me to write this). Thanks a lot, guys; you may be retards, but I love ya. So I do apologise in advance for the cracks I'll be making at your expense further on.

Anyhoo, on to the trip.

Day 0 - Dec 21st
Gupta arrived at the station where I was waiting to meet him. Together we took a long and torturous cab ride to Enterprise to pick up our car. Where we found, they didn't have the car we were expecting! But they were really nice, they gave us a discount, and soon we were behind the wheel of a brand new Renault Scenic, confronted by a bewildering array of buttons. More about this car later.

Well, with a prayer we rolled off and were soon at Sainsbury's buying a bewildering array of food, snacks and alcohol. Let it be noted that we bought too much food, about half of it came back with us, but the alcohol ran short O_O. And this was with one teetotaler! Of course, I hadn't counted on the photographer literally inhaling the alcohol as thought there were no tomorrow.

Well, the next to arrive was Kuruvilla, with the precious camera cradled betwixt arms. To be noted, the camera did not leave that position for the rest of the trip. After which Kumar and George called me to say they were lost in the fog, which led to a chase sequence with me shouting Kumar's name like that of a long lost lover's as I drove through the maze of roads that is Norwich.

Well finally we were all in ground zero in my house, and a plan of action was being formulated. To be mentioned - I had been to Scotland before, where I had covered the East Coast; Edinburgh, Perth, Aberdeen, Inverness and then cross country via Aviemore and the Caingorms back to Edinburgh. (That trip ended rather tragically with me being rear ended very violently on the motorway. The car was totaled, and we had to be towed back to Aldershot.)

Well this time I had mapped out a route starting from Edinburgh, to fort Williams, the Isle of Skye, Inverness and then back to Edinburgh via Aviemore. Check our route here.

The fog was going to throw a spanner in the works, but we decided to set off at 3 am. At 1 am I finally drifted off to sleep only to be awakened at 2 by what seemed to be a weasel being slowly slaughtered. This turned to be Kumar snoring, and try as we did; there was no way to get him to switch off.

So at half past three in the morning, bleary eyed and bushless(?) tailed we set off, with me taking the first shift and Kumar navigating. Rain and intermittent fog slowed us down, and as we drove into the dawn, the starting of our Scotland trip seemed ominous indeed.

In my next post - High Road Hi-jinks! The sheep call out to Kumar! George finds out we're tavelling to Scotland! And many more pics!

Lights.. Camera.. Action!

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left York at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Peterborough at 4:19p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

Closer they came, their breath quickening, hearts pounding like a couple of bongo drums beaten by belligerent natives.

'Wait!' said he, 'You're a guy!'

They beat a hasty retreat, both resolving to invest in glasses.

On second thought, no girl will have us anyway.

Enter villian. 'Take that $%@%*&@ hat off !'

The hero counterattacked. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

The blow connected squarely, but did not wipe off his smile.

Lets take a closer look at that.

Oh man, I'm running out of inspiration... lets see.... The force of the bunch drove him five steps back, arms pinwheeling wildly, like a dutch windmilll in a hurricane.

Our hero recovers quickly.

All those years of self-gratification finally pay off as he lands a devastating right!

To add insult to injury, a quick ass fondle is thrown in.

Tired of these games, vital points are targeted, to bring the game to a quick close.

Slo-mo replay!

And to finish off, we deploy the 'Randy Goat Attack'!

But, I guess, in the end, you just cant keep a good man down. Huh.. huh.. am I right? Ladies.. ladiess?? :P

BAH!

BTW, I had forgotten to credit the photographer - Most of the pics were taken by Shazzer on her D40x. The rest are by me.

One down

Photo 1 - Emo girl contemplates the world and wonders whether to jump.

Photo 2 - Emo girl decides not to jump, so photographer decides to push her.

One down... six billion to go.

WAAKKAAWW !!

The showdown was at the cliffs. They knew only one would walk away. A deep breath, a moment of peace and then the valley exploded as they attacked... WAKKAAW!

Photographer Seerena on her D40x; Models Dheeru and Me.
Click to open