I now know how I'm gonna go - face down in front of the laptop with a massive brain haemorrhage; a facebook feed exploring the hitherto unplumbed depths of human idiocy opened up.
Let us explore this theme. One genius says "lts g n c hw muc ppl luaaaaaaaved her.... ws at th 2320 sho..... she s sooooo fukkhhin ht...she lft t the car l8er". It's as though, via some weird alchemy, vowels have been transplanted by a Dr. Frankenstein with some sort of motor neuron disease. How busy can you be to type ’t’ instead of 'to', dude?
And then of course we have the mandatory farmville updates - Thorne has planted a ear of corn; Karthik has lent a ladder out; Julia has screwed the neighbour's pig...
And lady, it's nice to see a few pictures of your kid, but I don't need to see every stage of their development. I don't care if they're cute, all babies look like Walter Matthau anyway. Besides, do you think you may be invading their privacy a little bit? The net, and especially Facebook ain't exactly safe, y'know. There ARE sites like flickr or picasa where you can direct those pictures to relevant people.
And then of course there are the lurkers. People who stalk their old friends to they can compare lives - 'Oh his job probably sucks', 'She’s looking good but she's probably just a slut. Look at how short that skirt is.'. Do you have to judge the standards of your life in comparision with others?
And of course, there are the bitter old men who spew anger, about facebook, but still check it every day. What? No! I don't mean ME!
Of course, these are just the bumblers and Clouseau's of the online world. There are more insidious fiends - the attention hos who update their status every few hours, copied from somewhere likely as not. They are usually followed by a gaggle of acolytes with such pithy and deep affirmations - OMG tht's sooo trueee. . . you rock babe. . . I agree with everything you write, on the off chance you'll let me in your pants. (Okay, so the last person does have a genuine reason. . . I mean getting into someone's pants is definitely worth acting the retard).
And you, my long lost classmate from school who's just gushing about how nice it is to catch up; Newsflash! You weren't my friend in school; you were a wanker then and, in all probablity, are a prime wanker now. Let’s just agree to not know each other... ever.
But this is just the beginning. The truly apocalyptic thing about Facebook is that it has provided a convenient place for all these retards to communicate. What will happen when they actually meet and, god forbid, mate? What then, Mr. Zuckerberg? Answer me that.
We'll have a generation of kids going 'Lol, jstin Beeberz is so freeking the coolrz. omg w b2hatt'. And that’s when a vengeful god will finally lose it and sweep us off the face of the planet.
But hey, at least I'll get to say I told you so.
So people, let take the time to fill in those vowels; no matter how much the temptation, let us resist the urge to type 'z' in place of 's'. No, it's not 'zexy'. And finally all you cotton-brained freaks out there, let’s not seek affirmation by your vacuous updates every few hours. No, you will NOT feel better even if a bunch of your bubble head friends think that your status is the height of wit. If you really want to feel good about yourself I'd strongly advise you to have a romp in the hay with some, or even all of them.
And now my vitriolic diatribe is done, if you'll excuse me I'll pop off and try to get into someone's pants - this should work ' OMG, your post is the funnest EVAR'.
Disclaimer: Okay, the intent of this post is humor rather than vitriol. No one really conforms to these stereotypes (I hope).
