5 perspectives (or) 'Trippin in da land of Scots

Imagine, floating in space, nothing in front of you for miles but the stars making pinpoints of light in the vast blackness of space. You blink and then realise that a small crescent of the twinkling night is eaten away by a semicircle of pure blackness. Cue the crescendo of orchestral music, as you realise that the blackness is actually a ginormous disk resting on the back of a giant space turtle.

As the turtle does a lazy roll in space, the upper side of the disk suddenly becomes visible, and is completely different from the underside. For one thing it has its own miniature sun and moon, both revolving merrily around the disk. As the disk moves closer, your perspective zooms in, so what was a mass of greens, blues and browns resolve themselves into oceans and continents. Closer still and we see a small island, unique in that all around it the sun is shining brilliantly, while on it, there seems to be a blanket of dark clouds, looking so impenetrable that they give the appearance of being there for millennia, and having no intention of going away in a hurry.

As you pass through the clouds, a network of roads on the island becomes visible, and you happen to notice one particular car hurtling northwards in fits and swerves, as though the driver and the navigator are arguing on the correct way to hold the steering wheel, and are almost coming to blows about it. This car interests you strangely, and you allow yourself to fall towards it. It's quite serene floating through the atmosphere, till you realise you can't stop and hit the roof of the car with a 'Thump!''

Perspective 1 Kuruvilla :
Wha!' says I, as I awake to the weirdest scene. In the front, Kumar and Gupta have their hands at each other's throats, while the steering wheel drifts slowly to and fro. At the back on either side of me, Joky and George are covering near the door huddled with their heads tucked below their arms. 'Did I ever have the weirdest dream' said I. 'Was it about the national tai-kwon-do championships?' replied Joky as he turned towards me revealing a bloody nose, 'Coz you were flailing your arms around like Jackie Chan on hallucogenics!’ And thus Day 1 dawns, with us sitting in bitter silence as the rain pours down like a Labrador’s tears.

[Gorgeous Greens]

Day 1 – 22’nd Dec

Okay so I exaggerate. dere was no dream sequence, no bloody nose, and dere absolutely no giant Space turtles. Or at least dat's what da CIA want you to think. hehehehe. We stopped off at a pit stop near da lake district for a quick breakfast, after which Joky gave up the wheel to Manish while Dheeraj took on the navigator's role. As we entered into Scotland, miraculously da sky began to clear to become the most brilliant blue. We soon entered A701 which was a marvelously scenic strip of road. I cradled my baby; my D40x in my lap and crooned to it a lullaby of all the pix we would take together.

[The Road Ahead]

Perspective 2 Kumar :
’Dudeee!’ I exclaimed as I was on the road with the steering wheel gripped firmly, ‘this is cool.’ I could just about make out the road blurring past though the drug haze, but the car almost steered itself and the wheels lifted off the asphalt and we flew into the rainbow.

[Stone Wall]

[Sheepish Love]

We were just driving past this meadow, when I fell in love. The most beautiful creatures dotted the hills, white and fluffy, as though god had broken off pieces of clouds and scattered them on earth. Well I had to see these beautiful creatures up close, so we pulled up and walked to the meadow. As I raced to embrace the sheep, to my dismay they turned as one and trotted quickly away. What ever could the Scots have done to sheep to make them so wary of humans? I wonder….

Perspective 3 : George
As we passed sign after sign marked Edinburgh, I could only come to one conclusion - We were heading to Edinburgh! I knew we were supposed to head to Wales, but I much preffered Scotland, so decided to keep mum. I sniggered quietly to myself, and resolved not to look too smug when they finally discovered we were headed completely in the wrong direction!

Perspective 4: Joky

As the only sane member of the party, I tried to keep my wits about me. We soon entered Edinburgh, and thanks to my sterling and flawless backseat navigation, we were soon hopelessly and utterly lost. We had to stop and ask an assortment of people for directions, including this couple of lovely Scottish lassies with come-hither smiles.

[Heathered hills]

Unfortunately, my friends did not let me get very chummy with them and drove away just as I was use my infallible pick-up line (if you want me to share it, send me a cheque for £50). The next people we approached were this elderly couple; the lady tried her best, but her husband took one look at the map we had and exclaimed, ‘That’s made in England. It’s rubbish!’ Anyway after a scenic tour round the city and after being nearly rear ended by a bus, we finally reached our destination – the Harbour View self catering apartments.

[Pastoral Idyll]

Perspective 5 Gupta :
The apartments were quite nice, though at the person at the reception did ask us for extra cash due to an extra person. However, Kumar did persuade him to call his office, where after a series of humms and hawws, and a 'You'll have to explain it to Jackson', he turned to us and said, 'You're bloody lucky', as they had already put the amount through the system. We also confirmed our apartment, as we were planning to stay in the same place on our return. That amount was also put through, so I chimed in with ' Apparently we're bloody bloody lucky'. But after that he was quite helpful.

[Sunset at Edinburgh]

Kuruvilla: Oooh! I loved da apartments. Kumar did a lovely job booking them. da flat was beautiful with a wonderful view of the harbour, with a lighthouse flashing in the distance, and a cosy hall with a well equipped kitchen. We decided to dump everything and run for the castle as it was getting late. We piled in the cab, and with Joky and Gupta questioning the cabbie about Edinburgh, we hastened towards the famous Edinburgh Castle overlooking the beautiful city and harbour.

[The Entrance to the Castle]

Joky: And I saw a shop called the Greyfriars Bobby !

Kuruvilla : Er.. yes. Anywayyy, we were soon at da castle, and since Gupta had seen it twice before he absolutely refused to go in, and so he and Joky, who had also seen the castle before opted to stay out. The rest of us went into the castle and it was like a fairytale. We saw the dungeons, and the throne room all adorned with weapons on the walls. I pretended that I was the duchess of Scotland as we wandered 'round.

Kumar : The castle was a dump! I cannot believe that we paid good money to go in here. Okay, so the room with the swords was okay, but the rest was worthless! Anyways I humored Kuruvilla as she snapped loads of photos with her camera thingy.

George : Hmm. This seems to be a castle. I would comment more, but I've just gotta take this call.

Kumar : Well we exited out and rejoined the other two, and headed down to the princes avenue. We popped into a few souvenir shops on the way, where I and Gupta bought mufflers.

[Most Excellent View]

Gupta: I already had a muffler, but this one on the rack simply shouted out to me. It was the most vivid and masculine colour, and I could feel it adding to my already powerful aura as I wrapped it around my throat.

Joky : For Pete's sake; it was PINK! I mean it was a ladies muffler! An actual muffler meant for women. I gestured frantically at Gupta to take it off, but he was quite oblivious. We soon got into an argument about whether the muffler was appropriate for men or not. Did I mention it was pink?

We finally made a bet, and to prove his point, Gupta strode over to the girl at the cash counter, the muffler still around his neck.

The conversation went something like this

Gupta: Hi

Pretty girl at counter staring at his pink muffler: er..
hi.

Gupta: I would just like to confirm; this muffler is
meant for men, right?

Girl: Um no. That's actually for women.

Gupta: You mean it can be worn by women also. A unisex
kinda thing.

Girl: Nope. That's pretty much for women only.

Gupta, clutching at straws now: But it can be worn by men
too, after all its a good colour. Doesn't it look good on me?

Girl, who wants to make a sale, but not able to lie: Well
yes, but its for women.

Gupta: Well I dont understand. After all it's just like
the other mufflers in that shelf.

Girl: Thats because that's the ladies section, sir. The
men's section is over here...

Gupta: Bah! What do those peasants know about style. Anyways, after they finished laughing, Kumar felt it was time to eat. For once Joky agreed, so we went in hunt of a takeaway. Kumar and I were both rooting for Indian, so we finally found this little Indian place. As soon as we stepped in, we realised it was dead empty. Not a good sign. Anyway, we placed our order, and we were soon in a taxi on the way home.

Kuruvilla : We wuz freezin our asses off out dere, hanging round waiting for our taxi to show. This WAS Scotland in da winter after all. As soon as we reached our apartment, we rushed around putting all da heaters on. We changed, laid out all da food, and started the booze fest in honest.

Kumar: I was feeling a bit peckish by that time, so as Joky was pouring out the drinks I decided to nibble on a few snacks.

Joky: That bugger was eating everything in sight! I was pouring out the Morgans Spiced, while I saw him hiding behind the sofa inhaling the food. Mmm Morgans Spice. I love it. Well The toast was made, and we commenced to partayy!

Kuruvilla : We hit da alcohol hard! The conversation sparkled, erudite and urbane, as we devised solutions of how to eliminate world hunger, and whether Brad Pitt was the reason why Friends finally cancelled. The alcohol and wit flowed like water and I was quite impressed at the intelligence of the people around me.

Joky : ... And I was like - Dude.. and then she.. she wash like - Duuudee !!

Kumar : Gupta, Ish lovesh you. You play teh pool. you are teh cool. Pool is cool.

Joky : Can I stand on my head.. I can stand on my head. but not now. not now. maybe later. or may be now. No, not now. Wooah look at my hand when it come up real close to my face. Its coming, its coming.. wooah no its going back.. wait its coming again.. closer closer.. OW

George : Yes, so we're in Edinburgh today, so tomorrow we'll travel to the Isle of Skye, stay at Portree, then we head on to Inverness, and then back to Edinburgh via Aviemore.

Kuruvilla : Oh George.. you're so drunkkk.. hehehehhehehe ... hehehehehehe

(note from ed. - Did I mention Gupta is a teetotaler?)

Gupta : Look at these &*@##% asses. Drunk off their heads. What do people get out of alcohol, and then behaving like jackasses?

Kumar: G.. George, time to go out for a smoke.

Joky: What about it, Kuruvilla?

Kuruvilla : No no no.. I don’t shmoke..

Joky : O_O

Kuruvilla : Unlessh I’m really really drunk. Lets go! Heheheheehe

A few ciggies later…

Kumar : Duuuuuddee

Joky : Do you guy see these owls? huh huh? Get out of here owls. No, I do not want your encyclopedias. I can’t read your language, I can just speak it. Whoo hoo.. hoo hoo!

Kuruvilla : heheheheheh.. oh I have to puke…

George : Are you all right back there ?

Kuruvilla : No no I’m fine, lemme hav anudder drink. Er lemme puke again first.

George : ok I need to take a leak

Gupta : You all right man?

George : yeah I’m fine man perfectly fine absolutely fine.. BLLEAGGH!


Dear reader, I interrupt here to take you away from this sordid tale. Needless to say, I sobered up in a hurry after that. Fed some food to Kuruvilla and Kumar, ‘n then cleaned up the kitchen after that. All the food we had ordered from the takeaway was still on the table untouched. I just managed to stuff it in the fridge before falling dead on the bed. My last waking thoughts were – This was fun.

[Sunrise o'er the Harbour]

Ed's note: Okay, so this was a hell of long post, and only connected to reality by the thinnest of threads. But hey, thats what happens when you write while under the 'fluence. Again, I apologise to the people paraphrased here (and that too not well). The intent is to be humorous, and not be constrained by reality!And once again, apologies to Mr. Pratchett.

Mmm tastes like bacon..

MDTL now offers a free screen cleaning service. Remember to maximise your window for the best results. Click here to get your screen cleaned now.

Death and Secks

I believe in sex and death; two things that come but once in my lifetime. But at least after death, you're not nauseous

- Woody Allen

I love that quote from Sleepers, this off the wall Woody Allen scifi comedy (and NOT because I identify with the sex part). Give it a dekko; it's full of Allen's trademark quips and zingers.

Next, for your perusal, I have this hilarious link:

A selection of some of my favourites -

That One's Boring -- Tell the Donkey-Punch Story Again!
Small child, trying a Sprite: I don't like it.

Dad: If you don't like the taste, just spit it out.

Mom: I've heard that one before.

--33rd & 7th Overheard by: Brian Flanagan

... Mom
Lady: You're making me wet... I SAID you're making me wet.

Man: Yes, I tend to have that effect on the ladies.

Lady: With your umbrella.

Man: I'm flattered, but it's not that big.

--1 train Overheard by: Sloane

You're Welcome, Grasshopper
Yuppie woman, bumping into a man: Sorry.

Man: Don't say sorry. This is New York. Nobody says sorry.

Woman: What do you want me to say? Fuck you??

Man: That's better. This is New York. Who says sorry?

Woman: Fuck you.

--Bryant Park Overheard by: Young professional's friend

Next is a bitter-sweet link. . This is an online community where people mail in their secrets on homemade cards. Some are funny, some sad; all interesting.

A selection -

A Wee Bonnie Sheepie

Let me tell you a sordid tale; a tale of moral degradation, of alcoholism, deprivation and ovine voyeurism.

It is the tale of our road trip to Scotland over Christmas. The middle of a wet depressing winter brings out thoughts of suicide in any reasonable man, and the only way to survive, or so I thought, was to freak out over the winter holidays.

So a trip was planned, no not to Ibiza, or the West Indies, or even the south of England. I planned to go to Scotland where I could freeze my 'nads off.

Well I didn't have any real friends left in the UK, so I had to settle for an assorted collection of second-tier creatures to accompany me, mainly based on their utility. So I got a driver, a photographer, a person to speak English with a brit accent in case we were ever pulled over by the cops, and someone to provide comic relief. Well, after the trip, I can say that they all were totally useless at their assigned roles! Except maybe the photographer did provide a lot of comic relief, as it was drunk most of the time.

The driver fought with the brit accent guy the whole of the way trying to figure out who was the better driver, the photographer had been told to always crouch on the ground to take photographs, so roughly half our time was wasted seeing it trying to balance on its haunches like a pup learning to beg, and the comic relief was so spaced out that most of the time his vacation was actually running on a 12 hour jet lag behind ours.

Okay, so I kid. Most of these guys were always among my good friends, and the camaraderie we shared on this trip has bumped them up to among the best of my friends. I don’t know about them, but once the trip was over I got a bit depressed missing them (help! they're forcing me to write this). Thanks a lot, guys; you may be retards, but I love ya. So I do apologise in advance for the cracks I'll be making at your expense further on.

Anyhoo, on to the trip.

Day 0 - Dec 21st
Gupta arrived at the station where I was waiting to meet him. Together we took a long and torturous cab ride to Enterprise to pick up our car. Where we found, they didn't have the car we were expecting! But they were really nice, they gave us a discount, and soon we were behind the wheel of a brand new Renault Scenic, confronted by a bewildering array of buttons. More about this car later.

Well, with a prayer we rolled off and were soon at Sainsbury's buying a bewildering array of food, snacks and alcohol. Let it be noted that we bought too much food, about half of it came back with us, but the alcohol ran short O_O. And this was with one teetotaler! Of course, I hadn't counted on the photographer literally inhaling the alcohol as thought there were no tomorrow.

Well, the next to arrive was Kuruvilla, with the precious camera cradled betwixt arms. To be noted, the camera did not leave that position for the rest of the trip. After which Kumar and George called me to say they were lost in the fog, which led to a chase sequence with me shouting Kumar's name like that of a long lost lover's as I drove through the maze of roads that is Norwich.

Well finally we were all in ground zero in my house, and a plan of action was being formulated. To be mentioned - I had been to Scotland before, where I had covered the East Coast; Edinburgh, Perth, Aberdeen, Inverness and then cross country via Aviemore and the Caingorms back to Edinburgh. (That trip ended rather tragically with me being rear ended very violently on the motorway. The car was totaled, and we had to be towed back to Aldershot.)

Well this time I had mapped out a route starting from Edinburgh, to fort Williams, the Isle of Skye, Inverness and then back to Edinburgh via Aviemore. Check our route here.

The fog was going to throw a spanner in the works, but we decided to set off at 3 am. At 1 am I finally drifted off to sleep only to be awakened at 2 by what seemed to be a weasel being slowly slaughtered. This turned to be Kumar snoring, and try as we did; there was no way to get him to switch off.

So at half past three in the morning, bleary eyed and bushless(?) tailed we set off, with me taking the first shift and Kumar navigating. Rain and intermittent fog slowed us down, and as we drove into the dawn, the starting of our Scotland trip seemed ominous indeed.

In my next post - High Road Hi-jinks! The sheep call out to Kumar! George finds out we're tavelling to Scotland! And many more pics!

Lights.. Camera.. Action!

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left York at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Peterborough at 4:19p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

Closer they came, their breath quickening, hearts pounding like a couple of bongo drums beaten by belligerent natives.

'Wait!' said he, 'You're a guy!'

They beat a hasty retreat, both resolving to invest in glasses.

On second thought, no girl will have us anyway.

Enter villian. 'Take that $%@%*&@ hat off !'

The hero counterattacked. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

The blow connected squarely, but did not wipe off his smile.

Lets take a closer look at that.

Oh man, I'm running out of inspiration... lets see.... The force of the bunch drove him five steps back, arms pinwheeling wildly, like a dutch windmilll in a hurricane.

Our hero recovers quickly.

All those years of self-gratification finally pay off as he lands a devastating right!

To add insult to injury, a quick ass fondle is thrown in.

Tired of these games, vital points are targeted, to bring the game to a quick close.

Slo-mo replay!

And to finish off, we deploy the 'Randy Goat Attack'!

But, I guess, in the end, you just cant keep a good man down. Huh.. huh.. am I right? Ladies.. ladiess?? :P

BAH!

BTW, I had forgotten to credit the photographer - Most of the pics were taken by Shazzer on her D40x. The rest are by me.

Geek like me

Okay, all you aspiring geeks check out where you fit on here. And if you need to look up any category, gtfo. Click on it to expand

Budday Wishes

Link to the greeting here.

Norwich by Gaslight

'You'll never take me alive, Homes.' said Elizabeth Moriarty as she prepared to deploy her umbrella.

Supersize me (or) I wrote this whole post just to work in the last sentence

I'm deathly afraid of travelling on planes. Crashing and going to hell in a fireball of molten metal is the least of my worries, however. No, what really scares me is the torture my knees will go through for the next eight hours. Because once I wedge myself into my seat and my knees are jammed into the back of the seat in-front of me, I'm sure not going anywhere till they pry me out with a crowbar. No wonder I've developed good bladder control.

And of course the diminutive girl next to me has enough space to stretch her legs out, do a few lunges and open her food tray and rest her feet on top of it. At which point I finally loose my patience and smack her upside the head. To which she responds by biting me.... In the knee.

People always envy tall people. But believe me, the world does it's best to compensate for what few advantages we have by trying to compress us into the tiniest spaces meant for normal mortals. When you can't hear the radio while driving, because your knees are blocking your ears, it's time to pull over and set fire to the car.

And dont get me started on the whole opposite sex thing. How can you make out how a girl looks when all you can see is the top of her head. I once dated this girl for two months, she had a haircut, and I couldn't recognise her any more. We broke up shortly after. Nowdays, I duck and weave like a boxer when meeting women, trying to get a glimpse of their face.

All in all, it's quite tough. I have repeated concussion from having knocked my head off various doorframes, ledges and overhangs. And that's why I have this lazy eye. Now, I just keep my huge fat head tucked into my shoulders. and envy all the small people around me.

Because sometimes, there's nothing better than a little head.

Carpe Diem, 2008

Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song
still in them. - Thoreau

That is the saddest but truest thing I have read. People travel through life shackled to their crosses. Only those of us unaware of their burden can ever be content. The rest of us peer up to the night sky through the bars of our school, our job... our life.

Few are those who dare to unfasten the shackles, to unbolt the shutters to walk in the light beyond. Because isn't that what society teaches us; shoulder your responsibilities, do the right thing, be part of the team. And most of us, cowed into submission, resolve to 'do the right thing by others', never imagining that maybe we were intended to do the right thing by ourselves.

And in the end when we look back, is the path not stewn with regret? For of all sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these: ‘It might have been’…

So to you gentle reader, I entreat; live your life to the fullest and remember, your biggest responsibility is to yourself. Let not the fears, aspirations or opinions of your parents, your friends or society dictate the terms of your life.

It's not too late.

And so this 2008, Carpe Diem, baby.. Carpe Diem.

Collaborators Invited

Friends, Romans, Countrymen... lend me your posts.


Thats right. In the spirit of collaboration, networking and just plain lazyness, I invite all of you talented aspiring wordsmiths to take part in this unique opportunity. Mail me your tired, you poor, your huddled articles yearning to breathe free at darketwistedlife@googlemail.com .

I'll accept anything, I'm desperate! Just dont make it too offensive or pornographic. (The pornographic ones will be posted on my secret blog - My Darke and Twisted SEX Life, or lack of it thereof).

Published authors will be added to my new Collaborators section, and will also be given a percent share in the profits of the blog (currently a grand total of 0).

So step right up, no shoving, there's enough space for everyone.

For some one....

Anyone...?

Frontier Psychiatrist

Best. Music. Video. Ever.

I Stalke You!

Through the perilous mountains of pillows,
and the murky valleys of quilts.

I stalke you.

'Round the lush jungles of the front garden,
and the alien chrome sparseness of the bathroom.

I follow you.

Past the bookish mustiness of the study,
and the delectable temptations of the kitchen;

I pursue you with single-mindedness!


Around the house,

I Stalke you.

I WILL catch you,

And shower you with love.

Snow Day

Gentle Flakes,

spiralling softly.

Covering me

with melancholy.

2008: The Year of the Fruitbat

...... with due apologies to Terry Pratchett.

Happy new year peeps. Hope you had freaky fun on new year's eve.

Some images of the fireworks at the Millennium Eye at London.

Faith

Well, the blog has chalked up two thousand hits. I've also managed to make the top result on Google with the term 'Emu Therapy', and its the start of a new year. Time for a change don't you think? I'm gonna think about taking this blog in a new direction, one that justifies the title.

It's time for personal change too. And this time I hope I will be able to sustain it. It must be hard going back to the beginning, but I'm sure gonna try it. And I have faith.

Yes I do; surrounded by all the 'cool' agnostics and atheists, I still believe in God. What is the alternative - rotting in the dirt once this life is done? Meaningless life, meaningless death? Love, empathy, kindness, hate, dispair and desire are to be reduced to neurons firing and secreted hormones? Because even I'm not that bleak.

One down

Photo 1 - Emo girl contemplates the world and wonders whether to jump.

Photo 2 - Emo girl decides not to jump, so photographer decides to push her.

One down... six billion to go.

Emu Therapy

Humans are complex beings.. or so they say. I say, everyone is just fucked in the head. It's only the degree which varies. In fact, trust me, the degree to which peoples brains are dysfunctional rarely varies too. I mean why does anyone need meth, once life does a number on your brain ?

I guess everyone has moments when they wanna slit their wrists, sit in a dark corner and rock backward and forward, keening. These are called Emu moments, and don't worry; everyone gets them. My advise to you, is that when you get an Emu moment and want to slit your wrists, don't worry. Just remember, cutting across your wrist is NOT at all effective. For the best results you have to cut DOWN the wrist along the forearm. More hints here.

Remember this is not for teenage angst ridden Avril Lavigne listening emo-bois. This won't give you a cool scar. This. Will. Kill. You.

It's funny though; most of the music I like are Songs to Slit your Wrist by. Check out a few here. Maybe thats why I am the way I am, and maybe thats why this blog is called Mine Darke and Twisted Life. And mabe this is the most truth you've ever read here.

Besides slitting your wrist, there are other options open, of course. You could join the foreign legion and get fisted by a hundred other crazy fuckers. When bending down in the shower to get the soap has you scared silly, there's not much brain space left to contemplate the complex emotional tangle that drove you emu in the first place.

Or you just move to Australia for some Emu-therapy. Coz' when the world is looking bleak and you feel that you just can't go on, there's nothing better than the love of a large flightless Aussie bird.

And I know this, because I'm Mr. Brightside.